Raquel's Story

Our Dad holding my son Josh, Klaire & Raquel
(Portsmouth 2000)

Please please talk to someone before you do something that cannot be undone. There is always another way, it just might be that you don’t know what that path is yet. Things do get better. I am the younger sister of someone who took their own life. That “someone” would have to be a bit, you know, out there, like u know it’s a risk they’d do that? Wrong! This was a huge shock, the most awful unexpected news I could have ever imagined I would receive.

Anyone could find themselves contemplating suicide at some point in their life and I believe so strongly that we need education in how to protect ourselves if we should ever find ourselves in this sad situation. Raising awareness and connecting with others to help educate is what I hope to achieve alongside raising money for Grassroots, a charity that provides training to help promote mental health awareness, suicide alertness and positive wellbeing. They run the “Stay Alive” app to help you stay safe in crisis.

She is gone and I can’t bring her back. Why do I feel so paralysed by her absence and why does my grief linger like some sort of paralysis agent. What good does my grief achieve? I feel like it just alienates me from my children and loved ones which is the last thing I want. So why dwell? Self indulgence? No - it is beyond that, something I don’t understand yet. It is the worst most enduring pain I have ever felt in my life. No one I’m sure, ever believes they will be in my shoes.

I look at my sisters image, the photos I cherish, and despite the pain of reminding me what I have lost (and therefore I avoid looking at so often), I tell myself not to cry, that I need to be strong when I look at them and to see past the suicide to remember the outstanding woman she was. But when I look at her face the cruel truth of how I really feel rears it’s ugly head. Disbelief - she couldn’t have done this, the Klaire I knew, there’s just no way. And I will not believe that she has done this .......for the thousandth time since she chose to leave us. I tell myself that she didn’t really want to do this, she wasn’t thinking straight. And I might be in some part correct I suppose. And then I feel guilty about being so altruistic as to think that I know better than how she was feeling. I don’t understand the dark place she was in, perhaps her whole life or just a part of it that she kept hidden from us all? My sister was never really any good at telling anyone what she wanted and now I take this away from her? - that’s not my right. She wanted this at the time and I need to respect that. But I hate it. I do so truly wish she had reached out to me, or anyone for that matter so the outcome might have been different. 

I wish she had given us (and life) a chance to show her that there is another way. She had so much to look forward to in life, so many special milestones of her children, friends and family in which to share and all those bucket list items not yet ticked. 

I feel so terribly sad that so many people have said to me that they are angry with Klaire. I can’t bring myself to be angry. I spent a childhood and a lifetime as her sister and there are so many contributory factors to why her life may have led to this conclusion that deep down I kind of “get it”. I’m not so good at putting my feelings into the spoken word and don’t think I could ever fully explain her chosen path for leaving this world, but I get it. The 40 years of her life that led to that one moment - you can’t condense a life like Klaire’s into a sentence, a paragraph or even an essay. She was the most unique and outstanding individual. I was and always will be in awe of her. But the outcome could have been so different if she had just reached out.

Klaire never harmed anyone in this world and it pains me that by this one act she has deeply hurt more people than she could have ever imagined. I truly believe that had she known the amount pain she would inflict on her loved ones, she would never have chosen this end.

You have no idea how much you are missed Klaire, by so many people. I never thought it was possible to shed so many tears over such a long period of time for a lost soul. Combined, we must have filled an ocean for you. You were capable of so many things, if you are an angel now, do you have the power to show me how to live with the grief, to give me peace? So much of what I feel about your death is such confusion.

To my mile-a-minute, can’t get a word in edgeways, jet pilot dreamer, adventure queen sister. You were & always will be my inspiration, in life & in death, wait for me in heaven, you know I’ll tell you off when I get there, I love you, we all did my darling girl x

I know that people advise you to embrace grief and let it happen but I feel there should also be a balance. I feel that grief has taken over my life at times and this fundraising idea is a way for me to channel my grief in a positive way. It has also made me have a little control over my feelings because I’ve had to think about my grief and what it means to me and where I want to take it. I tried grief counselling but it didn’t work for me.

I think physical activity is so important for good mental health and so the idea of taking part in these physical challenges, alongside my friends and family, seems like the perfect way to raise awareness. I always feel so much better when I regularly exercise, how great to do it with friends and family?!

As a lot of you know, Klaire was rather partial to a Tough Mudder or two so this challenge would have been right up her street.....in fact it was probably the inspiration now I come to think of it. And on top of that ..... I’ll be raising money for such a great cause! So please join me for the challenges, follow us on the journey and pledge generously. In the mean time be mindful of yourself and others, mental health is just as important as physical health and we all need to talk about it! Much love x

Klaire & Raquel 1981